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01/3/00 Even Clint Eastwood Knows When To Get The Hell Out Of Dodge. By Eddie Nambulous Man oh man- Cade got hit hard this time. He ventured into the wild, wild west and saw first hand how they execute vigilante justice Wyoming-style. He was floating on cloud nine for awhile there, having found a band of bikers who worshipped him and were killing aliens in the name of Cade Foster. I could picture him out there side by side with Clint Eastwood, gun slingin’ cattle rustlin’ Gua evaporatin’ roaming wild around the Territory making it safe for good, hard workin’, honest folk. But no such luck. Clint’s not in the alien fighting business and this band of "Apostles" had a list of arrest warrants longer than my list of phobias. Yeah ok, I know what you’re thinking: they’re out killing aliens and its about time someone else took up the cross and helped kick Gua booty, right? But the reality is they were using it as an excuse to just kick booty. They justified their behavior by comparing the number of people they kill to the number of people expected to die on the first day. Now you can shoot a hell of a lot of people before it starts to over shadow the 19 million slated to bite it during the invasion. The reality really hit home when Cade watched one of the gang members stick a knife in the gut of a hostage- no evaporation, no green fizz, just one very dead human. Tough break man. I told him to get the hell out of Dodge. We could go after those aliens another way. He did figure out what they were doing there. Seems they were mining quartz crystals from the foothills outside of Crestline. Big deal right? Except for the fact that these crystals were octagonal. That’s right my friends, eight sides. Now everyone look at the crystal you have hanging around your necks right now. How many sides do you see? Six? Hmmm. No one’s ever seen an eight-sided crystal before, in fact up ’till now they were only theoretical. Scientists weren’t sure they even existed. Well they do, and the Gua are using them to improve their communication and information translation between here and their homeland. The primary component is silicone dioxide, which is used in computer technology, communication and electronic frequency control devices. An octagonal crystal would be able to conduct and transmit up to seven times the amount of information of a standard silicone chip. This is huge. The Gua are militant about following orders and every single order comes from the Gua high command somewhere over the rainbow. If we can find a way to reduce or destroy the earth-based Gua’s ability to communicate we might be able to slow down their progress or even better convince them to call off their attack. Foster said that there was a store in downtown Crestline that was selling these eight-sided crystals to tourists. Once his cover was blown the Gua took off and shut down their mining operation. He wasn’t able to snag any of those crystals for me to run tests on. So if any of you out there have been in or around Crestline and happened to pick up one of those crystals let me know NOW. Send me e-mail and we’ll figure out a way for you to get it to me. But I have to warn you. We both know how valuable those crystals are to these bastards. If they find out that you have one they will stop at nothing to relieve you of it. You know you are protected if you write to me, but don’t go showing it off to your buddies and god help you if I see one up for auction on e-bay. Until then, my paranoid friends. Keep fighting the good fight. Cade learned a tough lesson out there in cowboy land. It was a real blow to lose his army. But I told him, he has an army. They read the Paranoid Times and they’ll fight ‘till the battle is won. Let’s go wrassle up some Gua- READ CADE'S CORRESPONDING JOURNAL
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