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 I'm Not Paranoid. Okay, Maybe I'm a Little Paranoid (3/26/99) Dear fellow human beings: I’m not paranoid! I am merely hyper-aware of the alien infiltration in all walks of life on our planet. Wake up, folks! They call me crazy, but I like to think of myself as “hyper-sane.” Obviously, some people can’t handle the terrible truth right before our very eyes. Can you handle it? Look around and look hard. THE ALIENS ARE HERE. Living and working right under our noses. They’re putting the whammy on our minds and the cages around our souls. They want you! Make no mistake. The aliens are watching, studying, plotting, scheming, strategizing, eyeing, spying, framing, killing, maiming, discrediting, mind-controlling, hallucinogizing, hypnotizing, zombifying, theorizing, propagandizing, minionizing, analyzing, transmogrifying, and targeting (I could go on, but I think you get the picture) each and every one of us. You could be next… THEY ARE HERE! Okay, maybe I’m a little paranoid. Maybe I’m very paranoid. But just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get me. This page is the real deal. This is the way for you to help stop them. Call this Crazy Eddie’s advice column. No beauty tips here, though. Alien how’s and why’s only. Think you got an alien in your neck of the woods? Strange things afoot in the high school homeroom? The new neighbors just a little too normal? Let me know, and you just might see Cade Foster coming to your town. Don’t let them get you first! --Crazy Eddie Nambulous Dear Crazy Eddie, Why aren’t the aliens just attacking us with an all out assault? Why are they infiltrating the Earth first? Signed, Lothar, the Inquisitive Dear Lothar, It’s a good question. Foster and I have been speculating about this. The aliens seem to be running different kinds of experiments on human beings, testing us to see what we’re made of. What better way to defeat your enemy in the long run? Maybe they want to be sure they can beat us before they call in the cavalry. You can bet your bottom peso we ain’t gonna let them win. And the good news, amigo, (if there can be any) is that we’ve got the right stuff to beat this alien scum before they get here in a big way. Keep it real, dude. Signed rightbackatya, Crazy Eddie, the Guy with Answers Dear Eddie, I love the column and I think you’re right! They are here. When I was walking home from a friend’s last Saturday night, I saw a couple lights in the sky that looked like nothing I’d ever seen before. Were they UFOs? Do the aliens travel in ships through the sky and space? --Phoenix5 Dear Phoenix5, From the information and intelligence Foster and I have gleaned from our encounters with the aliens, they did not come here in ships. The aliens have been able to somehow transport only their consciousness – their minds – to our planet to occupy human-like husk bodies they’ve grown here. Yeccchhhh! It makes me wretch at the thought of it! As for the lights you saw in the sky, it could very well be an alien experiment. Maybe they’re testing us to see how we’d react to UFO encounters. At least you reacted the right way – you contacted us. Stay cool and keep your eyes peeled. --Crazy Eddie |
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