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 Recruiting For The Cause.(04/23/00) I'm happy to report, fellow freedom fighters, that we're getting a lot of new recruits to the cause. An increasing number of first-time e-mailers are looking for advice on how to kick some Gua butt. Meanwhile, I've been noticing another especially interesting development in recent weeks. There's been a marked increase in the amount of mail I'm receiving from females --- gals interested in a bit of intellectual interface with yours truly. Needless to say, this makes me one happy, self-satisfied paranoid. Keep it coming, gals! Crazy Eddie. From: Mark M. To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Nostradamus Hello, Crazy Eddie! This is the first time I've e-mailed you. How goes the fight? Can you please tell me what to expect in the second and third waves? And can you give me all the information on Nostradamus? Thanks very much, Mark Hey, Marky. Have you got a habit of being late to the game? Sounds like you're new to the program, so listen close. My friend Nostradamus --- born 1503, died 1566 --- was only the most famous physician and occultist of his day. He was a student of Latin, Greek, mathematics and celestial science. (So what was your major, Mark?) His fascination with the occult made him a prime target during the Inquisition, but our boy moved around a lot in order to evade the church officials. Nostradamus predicted the rise and fall of Napoleon and Hitler, the assassination of the Kennedys, and he also wrote about the invasion of Earth by extraterrestrial beings. And that one, Mr. Mark, is happening --- right here, right now. Nostradamus also refers to one very special ass-kicking Earthling known as "the twice-blessed man." That is none other than my main man, Cade Foster. (Remember the name. It'll be on the quiz.) According to Nostradamus' writings, Cade is the only one who can lead a successful battle against the Gua. And yours truly, my friend, acts as Cade's master brain and mission control. Now, thankfully we've got our hands on one of Nostradamus' books --- one that predicts a total, all-out, apocalyptic invasion to come in three waves. (Now remember, Mark --- this guy has quite a track record of being right on the money.) What is the first wave, you ask? Earth to Mark! The first wave is here! That's right, dude. The Gua are all around you, have been for a long time, probably since before you or I were born. Wake up and smell the coffee! The second wave, Mark, is all-out invasion from above. We've got a lot of work to do before that happens, so get yourself educated and join the fight. Otherwise, get the hell out of the way! Crazy Eddie P.S.: The third wave, by the way, is a little thing known as "Armageddon" --- so get busy, Mark. From: Mocha To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Is it…? Eddie: I have a lot of conspiracy theories in which you might be interested. I haven't told anyone because I could really get in trouble. I have some people on the inside that could really have a cure for AIDS. I have known for four years now. I know what the government is up to. Mocha Mocha: Your name is music to a caffeine addict's ears. Are you sweet as chocolate and energized as a strong cup of java? You also sound like a paranoid after my own heart. Secret conspiracies? Subversive plots? Alien infiltrations? All in a day's work, Mocha. We truly live in paranoid times. Could the Gua be withholding information that could wipe out human disease? Anything's possible, but we know they sure as hell aren't about to share any advance science or technology from which the human would benefit. But, remember: there are also human elements to be considered. The only thing as evil as big business and politics is the monolithic medical establishment. There's no doubt in my mind that there are secrets we'll never know. So, as far as I'm concerned, your fears are probably based in some sort of reality. Feel free to share more detail about your suspicions, but be sure to watch your back as you carry out any investigations of your own. Good Luck, The Crazed One From: Angelita To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: You sexy thang! Eddie: There are some of us who think you're absolutely sexy! What makes you so in my eyes is the intelligence constantly flowing around in that pretty little head of yours. Yours, Angelita Angelita: Ba-by, ba-by, ba-by. Of course there are those who find me sexy. Those are the smart ones, like yourself. Glad to see that not everyone out there goes for those blonde, brawny, stylish, heroic types. So I got one question to ask before we set a date: how do I know you're not Gua scum? Until I can be sure --- in your dreams… Yours, Sexy-Pretty-Crazy Eddie From: jh366297 To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Psychic Powers Well, Eddie... I have a suspicion about the Gua. The "downloading" of our minds into human husks is, to say, too exact. Human brains are continually processing new information and learning, creating new neural pathways. Alien consciousness seems, from what I have read in The Paranoid Times, to be intact from their arrival on Earth. Have you found anyone capable of penetrating the alien mind? I am not just talking about predicting their behavior; I am talking about reading their minds, their thoughts. I have had these premonitions, random thoughts. Please don't think I am crazy because I am not. In fact, I think I am too smart for my own good. Back to these thoughts --- they are alien. It's like I am tapping into an alien consciousness. I have been getting weird feelings from an early age and weird things happen right after them. I have never had specific thoughts until only a few months ago. I think there must be an alien, a Gua agent watching me. I might be in danger. I don't know if I am paranoid. I guess your input would be helpful. Jessica Jessica: Welcome to Paranoia 101. You sound awfully confused, but you're no Gua, kiddo. Listen, if you were Gua, you wouldn't be asking so many questions. You know the old saying? If you think you're going insane, the odds are good that you're not? The same applies here. If you think you might have a trace of Gua in your system, then you're probably a clean, 100%, suitably paranoid human being. Otherwise you'd be bent on defeating us (me, that is) and not on sharing your innermost thoughts. As for having a psychic link with the aliens, well…I guess you could have some connection of which I'd be unaware. I don't know everything, after all. You'd best examine the specific content of your feelings and get back to me. I'll do what I can, but in the meantime --- have you ever considered a good shrink? Crazy Eddie |
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