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 TPT is on the rise.(5/28/99) That’s right. The news is getting out there and the word is trickling in. It’s a groundswell that’ll crack this whole alien cabal wide open. From the letters I’ve gotten so far, people are taking notice. Readers of the TPT are seeing what’s not quite right below the surface, sensing the aliens in our midst – don’t let your guard down! The kooks and cranks and non-believers may laugh, but there are real crusaders in the rough. My fellow alien-hunters, keep your eyes on the Paranoid Times – things are just starting to get interesting. Foster and I have not yet begun to fight! From: Arlene Subject: i don’t know I think my ex-boyfriend is an alien.He’s been acting really weird and stuff.But do like the aliens go for young people too? Dear Arlene, As far as I’m concerned, all ex’s are aliens. I know all mine gotta be. Baby, let me put on the “Crazy Eddie Love Advice” hat for a moment, and tell you that you should probably let your ex go. The heart is a resilient muscle, there will be others... If he’s an alien, get away as far as possible immediately. But look, kid, most ex’s do act “weird and stuff.” So we’re not sending out the troops yet. Foster and I believe the aliens do go for young people – you guys are the future of the fight. Keep the lookout, and we’ll talk soon. Eddie From: Nei Subject: Family Tree Love your newspaper. I just found it today. After all as you stated in the ep “Crazy Eddie”, “Stop watching the X-Files and get a life”. As an avid x-phile, I found this statement hilarious as I’ve been told this before! Anyway, back to my question. Would you happen to be related in any way to the now defunct Crazy Eddie Music Stores that was in existence in NYC until they were forced into early retirement? Nei :)))) Dear Nei, A fan after my own heart. Keep up with “The Paranoid Times” so you can stay on top of every devious plan these alien imbeciles are hatching. As to your question: no, I unfortuantely missed out on the cash cow that was once Crazy Eddie Music Stores. I think during that time I was locked in my house too afraid to come out because of the satellite death ray that I was convinced was pointing straight at me. So I didn’t really listen to any music at that time either. Hope that clears things up. Crazy Eddie From: Tinker Subject: ? Not to long ago I sent you an email that read: Ok, I know people have told you about the strange lights in the sky and how the sky lit up around the middle of the horizon in a gold-ish tint. You probably were told that the four lights circled around and came back into one. But, what about the large “BOOM” that came about 5-10 min. before we noticed it. We heard it and looked up to see smoke trails. We thought we were being bombed. Then later we looked back up and noticed the lights. Did you find what it was over Cincinnati? I was just wondering if you ever receved it or if you even read it. I would realy like to know. Right now I am at a friend’s home using her computer and I would like to hear what you do know about it. Will you ever let me know? Tinker Dear Tinker, Yes, dude, I did get your e-mail. Sorry for the delay. From what I understand in your letter is that you first heard a boom, then saw smoke trails, then looked up minutes later and saw four lights coming together into one. Now, I’m not clear on where the lights went after that, but I’ll give the whole thing an educated guess. From my experience so far investigating the aliens, I haven’t seen a ton of evidence to support first kind close encounters with these freaks. I’m not even sure they use ships to get around. From my experience investigating the military-industrial complex, I can tell you that those freaks have got a lotta toys that make booming sounds. As far as the lights go, I’m at a loss. I’ve been through the Nostradamus book back and forth and I haven’t found any reference to anything like “four lights becoming one.” So, Tinker, you gotta pick up the conspiratorial slack and hatch a solid theory of your own, dude. You saw the lights, what do you think? Let me know… Crazy Eddie From: Mairead Subject: Aliens Spiked My Spaghetti I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamed I saw Cade/Sebastian by my old school. He was waiting for a bus. I went over to say hello and he started swearing and shouting at me, calling me an obsessed fan, and told me to eff off. He was really obnoxious. We had a massive row and I ended up stabbing some poor, innocent bystander to death. I then had to go on the run because Cade/Sebastian grassed on me. I woke up in a cold sweat - it was so real! I couldn’t figure it out but I think I know now. I went to Bella Pasta last night for some (rather crappy) spaghetti. The aliens must be running the joint and spiked my pasta with something . They obviously conducted some heinous mind control experiment while I was asleep, the vicious swines. So Eddie, tell the world about Bella Pasta, for the sake of humanity. Dear Mairead, Aha, the old alien spaghetti trick. Nothing a gallon of pepto wouldn’t have cured. So what do you think the mind control experiment was about? Perhaps a campaign to discredit Foster, slandering him while you slept. Holy psychotropic spaghetti! I’m glad you came to us with this. Don’t believe the pasta. Sorry about your funny tummy, those vicious swines… I wish you happier meals, Crazy Eddie From: Dion Cartwright Subject: The alien invasion crazyeddie, What’s up with you and Cade,man?Iam wondering if you could e-mail me some info on the invasion.Time is running out,we must prepare ourselves to defend our world.It’s time to kick some alien ass!Tell Cade to keep up the fight,we are behind him 100%.I would appreciate that info I am requesting.I can continue the battle with you bros! Your brother in arms, Big Bopper Dear Big Bopper, My fellow brother in arms – thanks for the note, dude. So far the best source of information on the invasion we know of so far is right here at “The Paranoid Times.” Check out Foster’s journal and my follow-up article on our most recent encounters with these whacked out freaks. You can continue the battle in your neck of the woods and let us know what you find. Stay true to the fight, Crazy Eddie |
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