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 Building A Bigger Mousetrap.(11/05/99) Hey, my paranoid people! It’s no question that we’ve been through a lot together. You’ve followed the crusade every step of the way, and Foster and I are doing our best to expose the aliens and make this hunk of rock safe for humanity everywhere. I just wanted to say that we couldn’t do it without you… ooh, I’m getting weepy. Just thought I should let you know that Foster and I are doing some deep cover investigating, lead tracking, clue digging, and <gulp> we might take a couple days off. But the mailbag is still very active, and I won’t stop answering your queries about the Gua. So keep those letters coming!!! And if you don’t get a response right away, keep checking the Paranoid Times and the E-Mail Eddie area– I’m getting to it, okay? The fight continues! Stay strong. Crazy Eddie From: Bobby Hudson To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: paranoid times Dear Eddie: I think Cade was wrong when he did not support that alien woman who was on the run from Joshua. I just think he should of backed her up because she just wanted to live a normal life with her boyfriend here on our planet. Bobby Dear Bobby, Come on, dude. What’d you expect? You gotta remember where Foster is coming from. The aliens ruined his life, killed his wife, tried to drive him crazy. Don’t you think you might be just a little bitter? You’re a bigger man than me. Sure she wanted to live a normal life with her human boyfriend on our planet – this brings up the question of our responsibility – each of us who know about the aliens, who believe – what are we gonna do about it? Retire to a beach in Guam or FIGHT BACK? Look, Foster helped them in the end, right? She and her scientist boyfriend got away. It was a bitter compromise in my book. Bobby, here’s hoping you’re not thinking of that beach in Guam with your little Gua honey. We must fight! Crazy Eddie From: ISSAquarius To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Gua Neighbors Dear Crazy Eddie, After careful study of Nostradamus’ quatrains and your adventures, I have come to realize that my neighbors may very well be aliens. I am afraid that if I go public they will send in an acolyte. I'm getting paranoid. I have begun to put mousetraps around my door, a few tripwires, and I’ve blown my allowance on electronic devices for my front door! But what if the Gua can bust down my door? They are supposed to have superior DNA, right? And how will the mousetraps help if I am dead? Of course, I could keep quiet about the Gua neighbors, but I'm getting the feeling they’ve noticed my mousetraps, locks, and tripwires. Tell me what to do! I'm afraid! -A paranoid reader (Stefan) Dear Stefan, Be afraid, be very afraid. You’re taking the appropriate action, my paranoid friend. Stay cool and calm and DON’T FREAK OUT! Establish a perimeter is rule one. Lay in your booby traps as you’ve described. Whatever you do, don’t go outdoors. Stay inside, preferably in a bunker-like setting such as basement. Keep the lights off, keep your voice at a whisper – they may be listening! Check the house for bugs and cameras. If you don’t find any, keep looking. They’re there. Make sure you keep your eyes peeled for any unusual activity with your Gua neighbors. Stakeout the place from a safe window and surveil the place. Gather data and watch for any unusual persons meeting with said neighbors. Keep in touch and let me know what’s up. Whatever you do, DON’T FREAK OUT! If your perimeter is breached, your reaction should be immediate: RUN LIKE HELL! I sympathize, Stefan, but nobody ever said it was easy living as a paranoid. It certainly isn’t easy knowing the Gua are here. Stay strong, dude. Your paranoid guru, Crazy Eddie (from the safety of my airstream trailer) From: Sean Tallman To: crazyeddie@scifi.com If Cade dies, or he doesn’t stop the First Wave, do you have any backup plans to stop the 2nd? Dear Sean, Don’t say it, dude! Foster goes nowhere without my permission – death or otherwise. We shall not even consider the thought. If Cade dies, IT’S OVER. We’d be finished. Look, maybe there are others out there like Foster, who are part of the 117th human archetype and may be willing to pick up the fight, but who knows? You want to take a crack at fighting the aliens? As for backup plans, I don’t know. I’d hate to have to take drastic action in the wake up Foster’s demise. But I will promise you this: I’ll do anything it takes to expose the aliens and stop the second wave. I hope we can count on you as a believer. Crazy Eddie |
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