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 It Was A Dark And Stormy Night.(11/12/99) It was a dark and stormy night. The ever-paranoid genius Crazy Eddie (that’s me) sat immobile in my airstream trailer. Though the door was locked, I was lost in the throes of an utter all-consuming fear. I dared not move a muscle lest I give away my presence in the armored RV. You see my friends, there were aliens about, I was sure of it. To be certain, the Gua are everywhere and could be anyone. This knowledge had thrown me into a paranoid fugue the likes of which most mortals have never known, nor would ever care to. Suddenly, the handle on the door began to rattle. I heard a deafening knocking sound that reverberated throughout the entire airstream trailer. They were trying to get in! I recoiled in terror. I looked for a place to hide – but there was nowhere to go, this was a trailer! A crack of lightning split the sky and lit up the night. The door flew open! I screamed like a girl…and…and…and… It was Foster. With the pizza. I breathed a sigh of relief. Foster laughed at me. I reflected: the life of the paranoid is never easy and always misunderstood. But I would live to fear another day. In the meantime, it was time for a slice of pepperoni pizza. Looked like it was gonna be another mellow night answering e-mails… --Crazy Eddie From: Hubbkah To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Cade and Eddie People are so blinded by what they fear. The quatrains of Nostradamus tell us of how the world could end, but give humanity time to stop the three waves. Cade, for example, can see the truth and try to prevent the alien invasion. Why is it that the human race is so blind to the fact that we are the only hope to our survival? I'm glad at least you and Cade have figured that out. My question centers on Joshua. He is a very mysterious figure to you and Cade. We do not know what role he will play in the Nostradamus quatrains, yet I believe it is going to be of some good to Cade. He has hesitated to kill Cade so far, so what do you think is holding this alien back. Do you think that Josh is developing a guilty conscience or is he another chosen one? And when will Cade find peace within himself to just hold onto the memories he has of his beloved wife? I believe that the murder of his wife is what made him see the truth, but I think it holds him back from doing all that he can to save the planet (it’s a big job but someone has to do it). And when are you going to find a girl? Thanks, Columbia Dear Columbia, That’s a heckuva sage observation you make. I’m not sure, however, that people are blinded as much by fear (which for me is often an eye opening experience) as by plain old ignorance and preconceived notions. Like, there aren’t any aliens here. Yeah, right! We know that’s not true. People gotta WAKE UP! That’s what Foster and I are trying to do. Glad to know we can count you in. As for Joshua, I have no idea what that alien dude’s deal is. Good guy or bad guy, it remains to be seen. I think Joshua has some problems with what the Gua are doing here on Earth. Hopefully, that’ll pay off to our advantage. We’ll just have to wait and see. To your last question, the Gua took everything that Foster had away from him. It’s hard to get that bitter taste out of your mouth. In my opinion, it’s fuel for the fire in Foster’s fight, know what I mean? Besides, we’re here to fight the aliens, we don’t have time to date. I’ve had my fair share of women and they’ve all crashed and burned. I’m content to battle aliens for awhile. Anyway, take it easy and keep up the fight! Crazy Eddie From: SLS712 To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: WEAKNESS Hey Eddie, First, I would like to say, "HOW IN THE WORLD COULD SOMEONE THINK YOU ARE AN ALIEN?" Sorry, but I couldn't believe that. Now to the point: this planet seems to be addictive. More and more Gua have become "defective." I think the Gua should learn from us, not try to destroy us. I mean, they have become druggies, preachers, sex offenders…in other words-- HUMAN!!!!! And the latest, they’ve fallen in love. That surprised me, but the more the Gua live here it is no wonder that they are acquiring the strengths and weaknesses of a human. I am glad that Joshua is on our side. It is good to know that more Gua are becoming sympathizers. I wish you and Cade good luck. Flaira Dear Flaira, Absolutely! Me, an alien? Blasphemy to the Paranoid Collective! You know the truth. It’s hard going to think the Gua are going to change their minds and suddenly become humanity’s newest best friends. They’re bent on our destruction. But if they want a fight, they’re going to get one. The Gua are going to face the best and worst humanity has to offer: druggies, preachers, and sex offenders. If they’re going to infiltrate, trying to act like us, they’re in store for some tough times. They can’t hang with humanity. As for Joshua, like I said, I have no idea what his angle is. We’ll have to wait and see. Hopefully, more Gua will realize the folly of the fight and make their leaders give up and GO HOME! Thanks for the luck. Crazy Eddie From: Herron To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Alien Proof Cade seems like he really wants to prove that the aliens exist. Why does he have to capture one when he could just kill one and turn on his camcorder? -Micah Dear Micah, Not to be overly sarcastic, man, but did you ever see a little movie called "Star Wars?" Seeing some kind of freaky alien dissolve on video or film doesn’t mean anything in the days of digital filmmaking and effects, dig? We gotta get some real proof, like capturing an alien or getting a DNA sample…anything. It’s good thinking, but our job is clear. I hope we can count on you to be a believer. Crazy Eddie From: ILKVA To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: eddie Eddie, you are the greatest! You're so funny and hip, in a strange paranoid kinda way. How did you get to be so paranoid in the first place? Why did you start writing "The Paranoid Times"? Thanks for your time. You're the best! Ciao! Sarah I. Dear Sarah I., Thanks for the compliment, baby. Don’t stop. As for your questions, my paranoia was awakened a long time ago – in high school, to be exact. I don’t want to get into it too deeply, but I used to be part of a secret club in high school called the Binary Bandits. We had a little, ahem, hacking enterprise. Unfortunately, for legal reasons that I cannot go into, I was forced to leave that group and go into hiding. To be clear, my life depended on it – and it changed the way I looked at things. I took the name Eddie Nambulous, outfitted the trailer with my computers and hit the road. I started "The Paranoid Times" after that to try and wake the world up to the myriad conspiracies all around us. TPT was my life mission. My zen was paranoia. I met Foster and started whacking aliens after that. The rest is history. Thanks for writing! Crazy Eddie Nambulous (as far as you know) From: m_y_n_n_ To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Ha! Gua are in Danger Eddie, You got to tell Cade this. I was surfing the net and I found the weirdest archive on this planet. Here is a clip: <HUMAN//ANIMALS and their enemy GUA//EFFICIENT are soon to be no threat. Our Warrior Forces are soon to be on HOMEWORLD//DESIRE. Remember Warriors//we are NOTROCIAN//nothing intercepts us.> Does this mean what I think it does? The Gua are in danger! We may not be the only targeted race that’s out there. I hope this will make Cade happy. And I would like two ask you two questions: 1) Do you think the Gua crashed at Rosewell? 2) If you're a hacker, can't you change Foster's files? - "Don't trust anything" "A Friend" Dear Friend, Man, that’s cool! Who knows? Maybe there is another alien race out there. I’d love if they started kicking some Gua butt – alien invasions make strange bedfellows, eh? Foster and I haven’t run into these other aliens yet, but after numerous encounters with all-manner of freaky Gua stuff, I can’t rule anything out. But hey man, does it really change anything for our mission? Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I’m not about to sit back and risk Armageddon. Besides, how do we know that e-mail that you found isn’t some kind of misinformation by the Gua to get us to give up the fight. My paranoid mind may be working overtime, but better safe than sorry. As for your first question, I think the Roswell incident might something along those misinformation lines. Who knows? From what Foster and I have found out about the Gua, I’m not sure they came here in space ships. I’m soured on the whole Roswell thing – I smell a smokescreen for something more insidious – like the Gua’s first wave invasion. Question #2: I’ve mentioned this before and I’ll say it again. Foster’s files go deep into the FBI and the Pentagon. I’ve tried to break in and clear Foster’s files, but I’m sorry to say, it’s no good, won’t work. Sad as it is, we gotta do it the hard way. Thanks for your e-mail, dude. Eddie |
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