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 Welcome To Paranoia 101.(12/03/99) Welcome to Paranoia 101, class. Please open your books and don’t believe a word of what they say. That’s the first rule of paranoia – someone is always trying to pull one over on you. Humans have a natural inclination to lie, so don’t believe what anyone is telling you. Put the puzzle together yourself. Second rule – be very afraid. Fear is NOT the mind killer, Dune-disciples, fear is what’s going to keep you alive. Listen to it, cultivate it, love it. Courage is an ideal for idiots. Third rule – Believe the Unbelievable – conspiracies are a bitter fact of life. Nobody acts alone in this day and age – there is always a larger motive. The tendrils of connectiveness extend far and wide. You must merely learn how to see properly, my young paranoidsters. Well, there ya go. Lesson one complete. Keep the e-mails coming. Crazy Eddie Nambulous From: markpoor To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: salt Well, we know how salt affects aliens. Maybe that's what's behind some of the studies that tell us salt is bad for us. With the fear of too much sodium in our diet, now you can find all these foods that are salt free. Is this so the Gua can blend in with us better? Maybe the aliens are behind the study. Next time a study comes out and tells you something is bad for you, maybe its not really bad for you… the aliens are at work again. Dear Markpoor, I like your way of thinking. The ‘unsalted conspiracy’ is afoot! I personally love caffeine and heavily salted foods (like pork-rinds, beef jerky, etc.) and look at me. I’m the picture of health. Kid, your paranoid mind is working superlatively. In my class, I’d give you an A. One thing I do need to clarify about this whole salt thing. Your theory may be correct, however, Foster and I have only used iodized salt in our experiences with the aliens. When Foster rubbed salt in Joshua’s wounds, it was iodized table salt. Same with his experience in the interrogation box with the alien cop. As far as I know, iodized salt is what affects the alien physiology. We have no conclusive proof that sodium or something like sea salt do anything to the aliens. We’ll just have to wait and see… Thanks for the e-mail, dude! Crazy Eddie From: Tonya Heddy To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: There out there! Hey Eddie, Everyone around me is always staring at me, like I'm weird or something. And I keep seeing paranoid things all around. I always wonder if the person right next to me is an alien. Do you think there's a wave of aliens already here? Have they already landed? Why are they here? Are we all going to get nuked? Will some of us survive? Will those who do survive become aliens? Need your advice soon. They’re coming Eddie… What do I do? Your Listener, Tonya Dear Tonya, Baby, you’re throwing a lot of questions at me. Let me see if I can do ‘em justice. First off, I’m weird and people always stare at me. Get used to it. If you don’t like it, find your own airstream trailer and don’t come out of it! Why? Because the person next to you could be an alien. You’re right to wonder, and you’re right to be paranoid about it. The first wave of aliens IS here, you better believe it. They have landed. Foster and I are trying our damnedest to stop the second wave, which will mean a whole lot more hurt for you and me. As far as the nuke question goes, I have no idea. I’d like to think that the aliens are trying to preserve the planet for their own – which at least gives me some hope that they’re not going to destroy the planet in the process. I can almost guarantee that some of us will survive a larger invasion, too. Though sadly, it’ll be as slave labor for the aliens if we don’t stop them first. As far as what you do, Tonya, keep up the fight on your end of things. Believe the Unbelievable with all your heart. There will come a day when Foster and I will call on our believers to rise up and fight back. Til then, hang tough and stay paranoid! Crazy Eddie From: aka shenlon the great To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: I'm Scared I think that Cade is being watched by an even more powerful force than the Gua. What if the Gua scum were just followers of an even bigger invasion that you and Cade haven't picked up on yet (like that's possible with your I.Q.) and it's too late to stop it? Maybe I'm just Scared and Paranoid. Keep on fightin’ for us less abled people who are ignorant of the Gua Scum (I just hate em). Good Luck and if I hear anything valuable I'll let you know. Adios, Shenlon Dear Shenlon, Maybe you are just scared and paranoid, but it’s infectious. A very bizarre and frightening theory you have there – I’m calling it the "food chain" scenario. It could be very bad for all of us. I’m certainly not ruling it out, but so far Foster and I haven’t found any evidence of this. From what Joshua has said, the Gua are working for themselves and are trying to take over this planet to save their own butts. But hey, Joshua’s an alien and I’m reluctant to trust him. Nevertheless, it’s no fun being on the bottom of the food chain. It’s pretty clear what we gotta do – fight for human preservation! Hasta, Eddie From: NeiceeXF To: crazyeddie@scifi.com Subject: Jolt Cola . . . Not Just For Breakfast Anymore Hi Eddie! Love the paranoid times. I even put a link on my webpage. Hopefully, the aliens won't catch on. Anyway, quick question for you. I noticed that you drink a lot of Jolt Cola. Are you open to other drinks, for example uncolas, snapple, etc.? Or are you just partial to colas? Also, the aliens seem to really "enjoy" salt. Does this mean that a b'bque would kill most of the aliens b/c of the high salt content in the foods and sauces? And, if so, why don't you and Cade throw the ultimate b'bque for the millenium? You could get all the aliens high and get rid of thousands in a one shot. Anyway, good job taking care of Cade and solving the quatrains. Keep up the good work! Just a few random thoughts before I had my coffee (which is dangerous, I know). Nei :~) Dear Nei, Thanks for the compliment, baby. And by all means, link away! The more people read "The Paranoid Times," the more they’re going to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So thanks for the hook-up. Now, my caffeine intake is a tad high, that’s for sure. I drink a lot of Jolt Cola and that old staple of caff-heads – coffee. Now with the seasons changing and being on the road all the time, coffee has pretty much become my drink of choice – Java 24-7 is my motto. Jolt can be hard to find sometimes, but coffee is plentiful and warms my bones. As for the salt question, I direct your attention to the previous letter. My hunch is that we gotta have good ol’ iodized salt to mess with the aliens. Besides, I don’t think the salt thing will kill the aliens, I just think it whacks them upside the head pretty good. It makes them high as a kite and gives ‘em a helluva hangover when it’s all over. Your barbeque might just make all the aliens loopy. I bet they’d all be jerks, too. Good thinking, though. I’ll catch you later, Nei, it’s time for my coffee too. Crazy Eddie |
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