he day after a freak lightning storm in Knollwood, Calif., horror movie fan Billy (Dunne) discovers a strange silver UFO surrounded by stone gargoyles in a park near his house. Undaunted by the taunts of class
bullies and twins Andy and Randy, Billy tells his geek pal Kevin (Fyfe) so
they can videotape it before a team from SETI arrives to investigate.
Later in class, Billy learns from history teacher Mr. Danvers about the
1848 discovery nearby of an immense diamond, "The Light of the Moon," which spurred a pre-gold-rush diamond frenzy. The frenzy ended with a disastrous mine accident and the disappearance of the diamond. The mine is still haunted by the ghosts of those who died.
Meanwhile, the SETI team led by Hank (Kee) arrives and sets up shop in the old observatory. They encounter Billy at the UFO. But then team member Mike is attacked, and SETI public relations woman Paula vanishes. And town residents--like creepy Mrs. Gibson and neighborhood watch guy Mr. Jonas--start acting strangely. Their yellow-flashing eyes and metal teeth are a dead giveaway that something's up.
Hank traces the disappearances to the haunted mine. Billy decides
that there are vampires around, and he goes to the pre-game campfire party to warn his sister Katie (Booth) and her boyfriend Jesse. Later, Billy bumps into Hank at the abandoned mine. There, they discover Mr. Danvers
consorting with an alien who used to be Mike. The other townspeople are
there too, along with the big diamond, which turns out to be some kind of homing device.
What's everybody up to? Only Billy and Hank are in a position to stop them. Can they uncover the plot before the population of the Earth is turned into space vampires?
Are these aliens or Bulgarians?
Teenage Space Vampires is a straight-to-video co-production from Canada and Romania (Transylvania?), priced for rental and aimed at the youth market as part of the "Pulsepounders" series from Full Moon, which brought viewers schlock video classics like Dollman and Puppet Master.
But it's hard to imagine anyone older than six staying awake after 25
minutes of this muddled, peculiar movie. The story, such as it is, takes
forever to unfold, with most of the action occurring in the last 30
minutes. Not that it matters much. None of it makes a lick of sense
anyway.
To say that the film has modest production values is to be charitable.
The special effects look like they were cooked up on a home PC, and
everything--from the lighting to the sets--looks like cable access TV. For aficionados of camp, there is some entertainment value to be had
from a film this bad, because everything about this production is slightly off. At times, it has the unintentional twisted feel of David Lynch.
Most of the time, though, it has the loopy feel of a Mentos commercial.
The film has vaguely middle-European-looking people in a suburban
California town that looks more like a village outside Budapest. The
supposed all-American high schoolers dress like they bought their clothes
at IKEA. The high school cafeteria looks like an airport transit lounge.
And the big game? It's soccer!
Some of the actors are actually dubbed. The non-American actors who
aren't dubbed--like Paula and Mrs. Gibson--sound like Bela Lugosi's
relatives. And the dialogue sounds like it was translated directly from the
Romanian. An example: "Anyone trying to bite me and turn me into some kind of a space vampire is officially not my teacher, my neighbor or my best friend."
