haven't been the recipient of too many helpful lectures in my TV writing career—or I would be David E. Kelley or Joss Whedon—but one insight does stand out. An early mentor once complained during a late-night rewriting session regarding our work: "The words look great on the page. The actors and production team will make it sing. Post-production will wrap it up in a beautiful package.
"Then people will watch the show in a brightly lit room with the kids screaming and the dog running back and forth, as they click through all the channels."
My mentor's point was that no matter how well you write and produce an episode of television—sci-fi or any genre—it's still going to be watched under circumstances you don't control. (Theatrical motion pictures are viewed in a different environment.)
Since I have been known to watch a bit of television myself, I decided to put myself in the captain's chair, so to speak, remote control channel changer at the ready, and see just what sort of sci-fi appears during an hour's surfing.
After all, the aliens on Alpha Centauri IV have been watching our sci-fi like this for decades now.
Seeking out small-screen sci-fi
I chose Monday evening, Oct. 21, because a) it was the last possible date before my column deadline, and b) it was one night free of baseball broadcasts. (I like baseball. My father was a professional baseball player. So any baseball game, especially a World Series game, is a distraction. In spite of all the spitting.)
I started at 7:30 p.m.—a half-hour before network prime time in the Eastern and Pacific time zones—because I didn't want to be limited to network schedules. First stop, SCI FI Channel, which runs a block of Stargate SG-1 episodes on Monday nights. I like Stargate; I've written for the show. But in trying to write a third-season episode, I found that there was a lot of material I needed to know, such as the pronunciation of the word "Goa'uld", not to mention the status of the war between the SG-1 team and various enemies alien and domestic (which, come to think of it, might be a good title ... hmmm). In watching subsequent episodes, I've wondered how accessible they are to the average viewer.
That's the average viewer who sees an episode from the beginning. At 7:31 I clicked into the middle of a conversation between Col. O'Neill and one of his team members about a third SG-1 trooper—"Daniel is missing!" Was this a new episode? Wasn't there some controversy over Daniel's disappearance from the series? No clue. Well, I can come back and check on him later.
Click. On Who Wants to be a Millionaire, the question is, what is the name of the Love Bug—the semi-sentient Volkswagen that starred in a couple of Disney movies? Sounds vaguely fantastical to me.
Click. Discovery Channel is investigating means of using computer imaging to enhance or age photos of missing children. A few years ago that would have been sci-fi.
Click. One of the Showtime Channels is running Saturn 3, a feature film from the late 1970s starring Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett and Harvey Keitel. I never saw it in the theater. I'm not sure I want to see it now, especially since it's already in progress. The trio of humans is on some kind of space station with a nasty-looking robot. He has hold of Farrah. (Well, in 1980, who could blame him?) Keitel is saying, "Put her down!"
Click. Now here's something interesting, on Sundance: a classic Jean-Luc Godard film called Alphaville. I have heard of this all my life, but never actually sat through it, on television or in a theater. The helpful (though not infallible: a Discovery Wings program on the Cold War is described as dealing with "ICMBS"—intercontinental malicious basilisks?) Adelphia digital programming guide says Alphaville is about an interplanetary invasion.
What I see is a French couple wandering around the lobby of a 1960s-era hotel. "Are you afraid of death?" says the man to the woman, in subtitles. "Of course not—why?"
Click. Ah, Buffy on FX. Zander is about to engage in serious lip-lock with a raven-haired woman who just screams trouble. "Tell me what to do," she says.
Click.
Tuning in television in the real world
7:49: I don't know if the rest of the SG-1 team has found Daniel, but I have: He's having discussions with some kind of aliens. Click.
HBO has Tracey Takes On. No obvious fantasy or sci-fi link, except that Ron "Beauty and the Beast and upcoming Star Trek: Nemesis" Perlman is appearing as Tracey's shrink. Click.
7:52: Saturn 3. Farrah is in a nightie. Kirk Douglas and Harvey Keitel are fighting over her. Click.
7:55: Access Hollywood runs a story on the next Harry Potter movie. Click, click, click! Somebody save me!
Top of the hour, as we used to say in radio. I find that another Showtime channel is running a movie called Scorcher, apparently about the threat or aftermath of a nuclear accident. Intriguing, if only because I've never heard of it. But since it's already in progress, I'll have to watch for it another day. Click.
Nickelodeon airs SpongeBob SquarePants. Now, there's a sci-fi series. But I've seen this one. Click.
SCI FI is running a promo for X-Files tomorrow night. Must check in, if I'm not watching baseball players spit. Click. National Geographic is promoting something called The Mummy Road Show. No, thanks. Click.
ABC Family is in the midst of its "Thirteen Nights of Halloween." On this night, the channel is running the movie Casper Meets Wendy. Even as a small boy I thought the idea of Casper the Friendly Ghost—a dead child?—was not only not funny, it was unbelievably creepy. I haven't changed my mind. Click.
Back to Alphaville. The French man in a trenchcoat (Frenchcoat?) has discovered that the French woman in the story not only appears to be in every room in the house at the same time, she's got a tattoo. So far I'm not convinced I've missed out on a sci-fi classic. Click.
On Saturn 3, Kirk and Harvey (as I've come to know them) are trying to kill each other. Farrah is still wearing a nightie. There's a big bad robot involved somehow ... oh, heck, click.
During this hour, my children have asked questions, my phone has rung three times, twice with sales or charitable solicitations, and one of the cats has chosen to annoy me.
I thought writing was tough, but just watching television is a lot of work.
I wonder what's on the Internet tonight?
Michael Cassutt has written scripts for series from Twilight Zone to Max Headroom to Odyssey 5. He also writes books, most recently the autobiography of astronaut Tom Stafford, We Have Capture (Smithsonian Press).
