n a far-off time, in a distant land, Shira (Sable/Mero) the high priestess of Mithras, gathers the elegantly coifed virgin daughters of all the local warlords in an underground temple. She explains to the barely dressed lasses, who clearly have no idea why they have been brought together semi-nude, that upon the death of the king the prince shall select from among the lovely, if retro-'70s looking, maidens a bride who shall be his queen.
That this system of succession doesn't take into account the possibility of a king living well past his son's majority should be a hint of the kind of turmoil folks in this distant land are used to. Shira explains further that the maidens are to be ritually cleansed of evil before the king makes his choice. She finishes by proclaiming, "The ritual has ended!", though one would be hard pressed to read in the works of Joseph Campbell or The Golden Bough any evidence that the cinematic Ritual of Lengthy Exposition cleanses anyone of evil.
Shira leaves the temple to pray, so ecstatically pious that she forgets that's what temples are for. Bad guys attack and abduct the maidens. We can tell they are bad guys because their armor is shoddy and they go "Ngahhhh!" when they attack, and not "What ho!" The bad guys, instructed in the art of disguising their combative abilities by moving like Renaissance-fair rejects with severe bursitis, are led by the fearsome Alana (Vondracek), who comes across as a hybrid of Thora Birch and The Mighty Thor. Alana takes orders from the evil Brianna (Krhut), who intends to use the captive maidens in a power play to control the kingdom. Can Shira thwart Brianna and save the maidens?
All grease, but no french fries
Who doesn't want to see WWE Smackdown wrestling superstar Sable in a low-budget sword and sorcery exploitation cheesefest? The answer: anyone who has seen Slaves of the Realm.
One would expect that a movie with lots of chain mail and weapons starring Sable would include a bit of smacking down. Alas, Sable doesn't do much. Brianna, Shira's nemesis, doesn't do much. Brianna's henchwoman, Alana, doesn't do much. The young king (MacDonald) who is the target of Brianna's machinations doesn't do much. In fact, no one does much of anything in this movie, except the abducted maidens, who are sent to toil in the royal silver mines wearing nothing but semi-transparent shifts and lots of glycerin sweat courtesy of the makeup department's spritz bottles. The girls are quite handy in a silver mine, despite their all being kind of skinny and without much muscle. However, since the unique geology of this far-off land features silver ore that looks like and obviously weighs no more than papier-mache, upper body strength for mining clearly isn't an issue. Nor is any skill with metallurgy, as the girls smelt silver ingots from the ore as would the most skilled smith.
Slaves of the Realm should be, and sells itself as, a guilty pleasure. But a guilty pleasure should entail a certain amount of pleasure. The film is exploitive (the camera endlessly leers and lingers on the bodies of the abducted virgins) without being any fun. Exploitation without fun is, ultimately, like a mouthful of salt and grease with no french fries.
Sable's charisma still shines through this cheap extravaganza, despite her being a terrible actress. Villainesses Vondracek and Krhut are also kind of fun. But Slaves of the Realm is no more than a vast realm of boredom.
