r. Reed Richards (Gruffudd) means well. It's his mission in life to help mankind and to rid the world of illness—and the key to all that is unlocking the mysteries of our genetic codes. He's on the verge of doing so, but money's tight and no one believes in him, and thus the trip he needs to make to space—to harness the power of a cosmic storm—is just out of reach. Enter the egomaniacal and vain Victor Von Doom (McMahon), an old nemesis who's as rich and charismatic as Reed is poor and dull, and who happens to possess a space station that's already in orbit.
And, big surprise, Victor has the girl: He's dating the sultry Sue Storm (Alba), director of genetic research at his company and Reed's ex-gal pal. Victor sees money in Reed's efforts, perhaps even enough to save his floundering business, and he agrees to finance the necessary voyage into the cosmos. And soon Victor and Sue and Reed, joined by Sue's temperamental brother, Johnny (Evans), and by Reed's best friend, astronaut Ben Grimm (Chiklis), blast off.
The storm arrives earlier than expected, sweeping over the station and exposing all aboard to cosmic radiation. Everyone survives, and initial tests suggest no ill effects. However, Sue starts disappearing, Ben turns into a stone creature, flames engulf Johnny, Reed's body parts begin to stretch, and Victor becomes a different sort of man of steel. Everyone reacts differently at first to his or her newfound powers, but soon Reed, Sue, Johnny and Ben emerge as New York City heroes respectively dubbed Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, The Human Torch and The Thing, and collectively nicknamed The Fantastic Four. And, of course, Victor is the baddie, Dr. Doom.
Nope—not so fantastic
Man, do I hate kicking a dog when it's down, but this puppy is just begging for it. Where to start? The film is so bad it's almost—almost—entertaining in that train-wreck kind of way. We get a few minutes of banter between the characters, banter designed to clue us in to the existing relationships between Sue and Reed, Reed and Victor, Sue and Johnny, Victor and Sue, Ben and Reed, and so on. Then it's off to space, where the ensuing catastrophe puts friendships to the test and heightens the animosity between Victor and everyone else. We then get the requisite sequences in which each character discovers his or her powers and must react to them. Then, of course, we're treated to the reactions of others.
Funniest of all, and unintentionally so, Ben's beloved wife (Holden) steps out of their New York City apartment at night to see her husband, only it's clearly a street somewhere in Canada, and, bizarrely, Holden is wearing a sexy nightie! And poor Holden, she turns up in another of the film's stupidest scenes—after the film's arguably finest bits. The Fantastic Four have just made their day-saving debut, rescuing several firemen from death as their truck dangles precariously from a bridge. Cars sit at a standstill. Crowds are forming. And who steps from the crowd, frowns, removes her wedding band and places it on the ground, but Mrs. Grimm? Holy bat crap! How did she get there so fast? How did she get through all the cars and people? At least she wasn't still in her nightie.
Anyway, it just goes downhill from there, as director Story desperately tries to appeal to teens and families. The jokes are lame and obvious, and at a recent screening hardly anyone laughed at anything, or at least anything intentional. In one striking bit of pandering, Johnny surprises the crowd at an extreme motorbiking event, and we're treated to five minutes of stunt riding, as if teens will go just for that. Puh-leeze. So far as the acting, everyone gives it his or her all, with varying results. Gruffudd is Mr. Serious, but the character's earnestness pays off eventually. Chiklis is rock solid, but saddled with some of the stiffer lines of dialogue. Evans is properly amped up, but the character grows wearisome as the film drags on. McMahon oozes charisma, but Dr. Doom devolves into a standard villain. And while there's no denying that Alba is lovely to look at, no one will buy her as a genetic research expert. Her miscasting here reminded me of a similar situation in The World Is Not Enough, when Denise Richards played Dr. Christmas Jones.
