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Captain's Log, cloggin' up the bowl as usual.
As captain of a starship, being on-time is an important component of my professional image. That's why I was justifiably pissed off when a traffic jam made me miss a critical appointment at McHooter's with a client I'll call Mistress Shots O'Booze. As consolation, I stole some shwag from the frecked-up spaceship that caused the jam.
Turned out I'd stolen ten thousand tubes of G-Y Jelly. For those of you who don't care what men do with other men behind closed doors, I'll just say it's an intimate masculine product. For those who do care, it's a minty-fresh anal lubricant that helps guys freck each other. The point is, what was I supposed to do with this junk?
Sell it on the gay planet Fabulous Heaven, that's what. Problem was, the homos who call that place home were completely heterophobic. Straight guys like me didn't have any rights at all, including the right to make a kickass profit by importing tons of stolen ass wax. My only hope was to convince the planet's governor that I was fruitier than a raspberry smoothie.
My Gus impression did the trick. The governor believed I was a flaming purple girlie-man ... right up until he found me grabbing a quickie with Six. Then he threw us both in prison. When he arrived to interrogate me, however, his probing questions about heterosexual fun (combined with the tent-pitching skills he exhibited as I extolled Six's most ample virtues) made me realize he was ripe for a deal. He agreed that we could sell our lube if he could spend the night with Six.
Six did her job too well. The next morning, this guy was so sure he was heterosexual that he decided to execute us publicly to keep his secret hidden forever. Luckily, at the last minute, T'Nuk and Gus switched his big speech with my porno stash. When his constituents saw their leader getting hot and bothered over pictures of naked chicks, they turned into a fabulously dressed mob, and we escaped during the catfight that followed.
We were still stuck with the damn G-Y grease, but then Gus relabeled it as "lip balm" and T'Nuk pounced on it. We jumped over to her homeworld, and now the butt-jelly — ahem, lip balm — is selling faster than drinks at happy hour.
Leave it to Gus to pull a surprise out of his ass....
Written by
Terry Sweeney
Directed by
Jon Minnis
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